Posted in Blogging, Life

How I Spent the Winter

It may seem as though I abandoned my blog. It does look that way. Though appearances are often deceiving

As much as I wanted to write, I had a series of catastrophes to deal with. First, my failing marriage– no surprise there. Second, health issues and testing– stalemate. Third, my children (my teenager and his issues) — home-school.

Situations aren’t as bad as they look on computer screen. With many prayers and compromises from both parties, my marriage is improving. Health issues are.. meh. It seems my situation stays same, which is disheartening. I am hoping my last specialist appointment will help uncover part of the mystery. And home-school.. I know! Wow!

So why did I decide on home-school?

Having a teenager is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life! They are so hard. I feel bad for EVERYTHING I put my mother through!!

My son isn’t a troublemaker. He wasn’t expelled. The school wasn’t helping him. They were holding him back in some ways, and he was falling behind in others. Our decision was based on the school and partly due to the crowd he was hanging out with. He never fell behind before. He always made the honor roll.

My daughter experienced some trouble in elementary school. It seemed beneficial to look for alternatives. I  did a ton of research for online schools vs. traditional homeschooling, and found an exceptional online school. After a month of deciding, as it wasn’t a decision made lightly, they were enrolled. We needed something different!

Starting school at home was not without its challenges. We had to adapt to a routine. However, they are doing excellent. I am proud of them. Although it does consume my time, I love how rewarding it is to watch them grow and learn.

Over the winter, I went through a major depression. I didn’t feel like doing anything aside from my normal routine, and hanging out with family. Family was great. Forget going outside. Seeing anyone. Talking to anyone. Writing anything. Why write anything? It’s going to sound dumb.

Anything I loved doing– I didn’t have the energy or willpower to do.

I hated how I looked in the mirror. I hated my reflection. Eat. Don’t eat. Sleep. Can’t sleep. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt. 

Depression is awful. It makes you think things that aren’t true. Feel things you shouldn’t feel. What am I supposed to remember again? Crap! Grumble. Grumble. Grumble. 

I didn’t have any thoughts of suicide, but some who battle depression do. If you have depression and have these thoughts please talk to someone– a counselor or the suicide hotline–  1-800-273-8255

More than 300 million people of all ages suffer from depression. So if you are one of the ones who suffer like I do, you are not alone. May is Mental Health Awareness month!

Posted in Poetry

Wasted Energy

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Wasted Energy.
LC. © 2017

Depression is a
dark cloud over my head, lurking.
Like I created
my own personal
monsoon. If only I had
energy to blast
the rain from capturing my
soul- a rainbow would
appear in the sky.

Posted in Music

My Essential Teen Song List from the 90’s.

Inspired by my son– Here is my Top 15 songs I sat in my room listening to back in the 90’s when a boy had my feelings all mixed up!

  1. Sheryl Crow- If It Makes You Happy
  2. Hootie and The Blowfish- Let Her Cry
  3. Matchbox 20- Push
  4. Jewel- Foolish Games
  5. Aerosmith- Cryin
  6. Natalie Imbruglia- Torn
  7. Boys 2 Men- End of the Road
  8. Guns and Roses- Patience
  9. Bon Jovi- Always
  10. U2- With or Without You
  11. Divine- Lately
  12. Allure- Cried Out
  13. No Doubt- Don’t Speak
  14. Goo Goo Dolls- Iris
  15. Deborah Cox- We Can’t Be Friends
Posted in Music

Hymn for The Missing.

Came across this tune today  that ironically came on as I wrote my poem about my grandma. It is a sad one about missing someone who has passed away.

Give it a listen and see if you like it.

Hymn for the Missing

I believe you have to be in the right mood to listen to certain kinds of music and certain songs. So if you do like this song add it to you could add it to your list of songs you listen to when you are missing someone.

What do you think? Did you like it?