Posted in Blogging

Visiting with Relatives

I missed being here last week!! My in-laws came in from the south like they every year. We spent a couple of days with them at a nearby amusement park, and had dinner. The rest of the week we made other plans, a trip with my mom, and an unavoidable appointment.

Our plans included meeting his mom and step-dad Friday at a local town celebration. They travel in for this particular celebration annually. My husband goes anywhere feeling like shit, and we never miss. That morning, he placed ALL the blame on me saying I was sick, which in the morning, I did have a migraine.

He omitted it was his fault we didn’t go. Even though it was HIS FAULT, as it was mine, he only succeeded in making me look bad. He laid around all day on the couch. I expected we would meet up with them later. No words were exchanged until late evening when an unintended guilt trip was laid in my lap.

“My mom is asking about you. She wants to know if you are better yet so we can go visit.”

“Why didn’t I know about this earlier? We could have went.”

“I didn’t want to go and you were doing other things.”

When no communication is passed between two people, it’s hard to make plans — let alone achieve what other people want you to do. I would have loved to visit them before they left. I have things here I wanted to give them.

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We made our plans for the week they came home the week of our beach trip. Not that parts of our trip wasn’t fun. The trip itself was stressful for us. None of us could handle the fighting. It’s not that we don’t love them…

We have learned.. Or rather I have learned a thing or two about his sister and how she really feels. He has only glimpsed an action or two. He may not acknowledge it fully–though I do. I see it.  I won’t allow myself or my children to be treated poorly. Or spoken down to. It’s time to speak up for ourselves. Or bite my tongue when necessary.

Last week was a busy, stressful week. It’s hard to find words when you are drained. Stressing, traveling, and fighting with my husband over behaviors– his behaviors— it steals any words or thoughts I had. My brain = mush.

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My favorite part of last week was the trip with my mom, kids, and husband. It was the least stressful. We traveled out to the country to meet relatives of my Nanny’s I haven’t seen since I was a child. It was her brother’s son and his family. During our visit, I heard so many stories about my Nanny and her brother! We had a wonderful time.

On a positive note, I have been speaking up more for myself. I’m at an age where I want some peace in my life. No more fighting. I’m not going to tolerate certain behaviors or ways people treat others. Including my marriage, I’m not stuck. I have been in this marriage for 11 years, and something will change.

 

More family posts from summer to come!

  • Edited to fix a couple errors. Sorry (perfectionist syndrome)

 

 

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Posted in Blogging, Life

How I Spent the Winter

It may seem as though I abandoned my blog. It does look that way. Though appearances are often deceiving

As much as I wanted to write, I had a series of catastrophes to deal with. First, my failing marriage– no surprise there. Second, health issues and testing– stalemate. Third, my children (my teenager and his issues) — home-school.

Situations aren’t as bad as they look on computer screen. With many prayers and compromises from both parties, my marriage is improving. Health issues are.. meh. It seems my situation stays same, which is disheartening. I am hoping my last specialist appointment will help uncover part of the mystery. And home-school.. I know! Wow!

So why did I decide on home-school?

Having a teenager is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life! They are so hard. I feel bad for EVERYTHING I put my mother through!!

My son isn’t a troublemaker. He wasn’t expelled. The school wasn’t helping him. They were holding him back in some ways, and he was falling behind in others. Our decision was based on the school and partly due to the crowd he was hanging out with. He never fell behind before. He always made the honor roll.

My daughter experienced some trouble in elementary school. It seemed beneficial to look for alternatives. I  did a ton of research for online schools vs. traditional homeschooling, and found an exceptional online school. After a month of deciding, as it wasn’t a decision made lightly, they were enrolled. We needed something different!

Starting school at home was not without its challenges. We had to adapt to a routine. However, they are doing excellent. I am proud of them. Although it does consume my time, I love how rewarding it is to watch them grow and learn.

Over the winter, I went through a major depression. I didn’t feel like doing anything aside from my normal routine, and hanging out with family. Family was great. Forget going outside. Seeing anyone. Talking to anyone. Writing anything. Why write anything? It’s going to sound dumb.

Anything I loved doing– I didn’t have the energy or willpower to do.

I hated how I looked in the mirror. I hated my reflection. Eat. Don’t eat. Sleep. Can’t sleep. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt. 

Depression is awful. It makes you think things that aren’t true. Feel things you shouldn’t feel. What am I supposed to remember again? Crap! Grumble. Grumble. Grumble. 

I didn’t have any thoughts of suicide, but some who battle depression do. If you have depression and have these thoughts please talk to someone– a counselor or the suicide hotline–  1-800-273-8255

More than 300 million people of all ages suffer from depression. So if you are one of the ones who suffer like I do, you are not alone. May is Mental Health Awareness month!

Posted in Poetry

A Caged Bird

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A Caged Bird.
LC © 2016

Do not marry him–
for he will crush your spirit,
and break your soul’s wings.
A colorful bird in a
cage with no song left to sing.
And no wings to soar.
You were made for better things.
Go! They wait for you.

Posted in Blogging

We Know the Drill.

I am living on caffeine. Coffee. Diet Pepsi. All day.

Since the kids went back to school last Wednesday– I am having a hard time adjusting to the routine. Last week, I thought I would start writing again. However, my mind was thick with cobwebs from not writing.

I couldn’t think.

Tired. Getting up early overloads my brain. Yes, I am whining a bit. Over summer we were lazy. Getting up later. Some late nights.

It seems like as soon as my head hits the damn pillow, the alarm is buzzing in my ears. And I want to lay there for ten more minutes. Girls need a few extra minutes.

I know if I did I would hear the griping from my husband. Every morning I hear clatter in the kitchen, and everyone is asking where I am. I have my own routine when I wake.

Lay there a minute while anticipating smashing the alarm. Turn it off. Put on a hoodie and socks because I am freezing. Grab the kids lunch. Check the laundry. Then, I am on my way.

The first week of school my husband was on vacation. Nothing good ever comes from this. What made it worse, he had a “man cold.” He laid around in the living room of all places– the “center” of it all. On the couch. With a blanket up to his nose. Whining about how he was feeling. Throwing tissues everywhere– he wasn’t picking them up. Watching stupid “guy” shows.

He was cranky. I couldn’t stand being in the same room. It isn’t quiet when he is home– especially when he is grumpy and finds things to pick arguments about. I choose happiness by staying out of the room.

The children, surprisingly, have adjusted to waking up early. My daughter is a little cranky, and  sassy. Her excuse– “Well, I hate mornings!” (Some people would agree?)

I thought my son would be the one giving me a hard time. But he hasn’t. It’s been my wee one. She is doing better this week.

They seem to like school. Although, my son had an issue to deal with, and he fixed it. Then, my daughter was sick yesterday. Her teacher felt her head saying she was hot, and sent her to the nurse– who did nothing, and sent her back to class.

That makes me mad! Seriously? Keeping an eye on that.

We had a wonderful summer. I don’t think it could have been better. We thoroughly enjoyed it!

I kept them reading over summer so my daughter’s reading level wasn’t low when she started school. My son will be learning Spanish and French this year so he knows what he wants to take next year in high school. We do French at home. I am happy he will have a head start!

I think it will be a great year for them. My fingers are crossed. Less I have to deal with.

Once the routine sets in a bit more, I think we have it all covered. Less sass. More with their chores, and practicing their instruments. And Mommy will be less sleepy too.. Coherent and ready to write!

We know the drill. Here is to another year in the books. My third and eighth grader!

 

Posted in Blogging, Writing

Day 19: Writing Challenge

Day 19: Writing Challenge Discuss Your First Love

My Basis For Love–

When I was younger I was “in-love” with the idea of being “in-love.” I romanticized the perfect relationship. Prince charming would come swoop me away on his charming steed, and we would live happily ever after like in those fairy tales my mother read me. We would live in one of those extravagant houses with a picket fence instead of a moat– not realistic. Have a couple of children. Never fall out of love because the fire from the spark would never die. That doesn’t happen when you are made for each other!

I had a lot to learn.

First Relationship–

My first ever relationship was with my best friend up the street. We played in the woods with other neighborhood children, rode bikes, played video games, and spoke on the phone.

His mom wasn’t my biggest fan, but we still hung out a lot.

I remember it happening in one of those “do you like me” notes– Check “yes or no?”  I could have totally wrote the song. Except it didn’t end on a good note. We had an experimental relationship based on what we thought was love, and no at sixteen I wasn’t doing “that!”

I felt like I had to rescue him from drugs. In the end, he was a jerk that ended up cheating on me, which led to me meeting my first actual love, but we remained friends for a while. His mother sent him to live with his dad a state away.

It didn’t help him. 

First Real Relationship–

The relationship I had with my best friend up the street helped prepare me for my first actual relationship. I would have never met the guy if he wasn’t a cheating bastard. Not that I am thanking him for it because this relationship wouldn’t end well either. However, they were learning experiences to prepare me for the real thing.

I met this guy through a friend. Five years older– it was appealing. It meant he had life experiences I didn’t have. It made him interesting.

He met me with his friend at my bus stop one morning. Other kids were around. I know how creeper that sounds now. What guy goes to a bus stop to pick up chicks!?

No, my mother didn’t know. Obviously. 

We talked on the phone, a lot. What teenage girl doesn’t like to do that! It is the best way to get to know a person. Even though I was up at 3-4 am on the phone, I still went to school.

At first, he didn’t want to date me because of my age. Sensible. But then, I interrupted his plans. When he canceled on me the first time we were supposed to hang out because he was “sick,’ I brought him something from the mall.

We were inseparable after that. He had problems. More problems than I had. But I gave him the best advice I could with teenager wisdom.

He was a mess. Into some bad things. Going down a bad path.

I felt like I should help. Eventually he cleaned his act up because I made him. He started working, and staying out of the bad stuff. Like drinking all the time. 

We started doing things with his family, and mine. His family accepted me, and it made it easy to help him. My family took him in also, and my grandmother loved him. For awhile, everything was peaceful.

But he had streaks of jealousy, he couldn’t trust. He didn’t have it in him. I couldn’t talk to anyone without him asking who I was talking to. He was paranoid about everything.

He said he was “screwed over too many times.” So automatically he assumed I would do the same. It was hard to talk to any of my friends without him there.

Couldn’t go anywhere alone. We worked together. So everywhere we went… we went together. 

Even though I felt like he was very much a part of me, I felt like he was isolating me. Like he had broken me in half. Yes, we had fun. We laughed. Had a great time. But the bad parts started to outweigh the good. 

I felt like I couldn’t be myself. Because there was no “me” anymore. There was just “us.”  I felt smothered. I couldn’t breathe. 

Sometimes he told me he had people “watching” me and “recording” stuff. Trying to catch me in lies I didn’t tell, and we would fight. I didn’t know until the end, but he was cheating on me with his sister’s friend.

And she was a bucket of nasty…

I did forgive him for it. He was sorry and we were together for almost five years. We broke up, and got back together a couple of times. But the last time was when he after he cheated, and I said I was going to college. I needed to be free.

And he let me go.

I didn’t think it would ever happen. Because we always found a path back to each other. But it wasn’t meant to be.

The Keeper–

I met “the keeper” three times over the course of my life, but I didn’t know he would mean so much to me then. Even now, it is surprising to me to think about how much we have grown over the years. How much we have endured.

If you sit back and think about your life, it is amazing how it works out. We met as children, as teenagers, and as people passing in a restaurant.

Before I met my husband, I was married and divorced. I was a single-mom. Alone for a year and a half when we met for our first date.

When he came into my life, he was a big-kid. Carefree. Responsibility wasn’t his thing. But he worked. He didn’t do drugs. Could leave the drinking. After my previous two relationships, the last two made the difference.

{I needed that. I tend to see the good in people, and the bad.. well. I try to help, and it was getting me into trouble. No, I never did anything bad myself. Just fell in love with some characters. I needed a good guy. }

When he picked me up at my door, I remember looking into his eyes. Like the ocean on a calm day. Though he was handsome, I didn’t care anything about that. He made me laugh. For being married and divorced, I was going for something different. I was looking beneath the surface. 

We would grow together over the years. Sometimes moving in the same direction. Other times apart. Though a constant force pushes us together– closer.  Love.

He isn’t always affectionate. Not like how others have shown affection in the past, but when he is I know he means it. I know his intentions. It flows from his heart.

Occasionally, I wish he could be more affectionate. But being the awesome wife I am, I forgive him for his absent-mindedness. Like he forgives me.

I don’t need to be smothered in affection to know he loves me. I find my needs are different as an adult than they were as a teenager. I’ve matured.

I don’t have to be groping him in public so everyone knows how much I love him. It’s cool. We both know. 

It is the little things that matter.

When I see him playing with our children being an awesome dad, my heart skips a beat. And I fall in love all over again. He is good with those things.

He is good at making me smile when I don’t want to. Especially when I am mad. Or if I am having a shitty day.

Because that is what love is. 

It isn’t always the touchy-feely. 

It is the feeling of someone close to you when you are sleeping. Waking up with them next to you, and feeling like you are home.  Until they pass gas… then you want to smother them.

It is being able to be yourself. Because they like you for who you are! In fact, they love you for it!

It is “you,” and “me,” and “us” too. It’s not just about “me” anymore. 

It is trusting someone with your heart. My husband allowed me to go to a funeral where he knew my ex would be. In doing this, he trusted me. My ex would have never allowed it.

Seeing my ex the last couple times, I knew I made the right choice. It only solidified the bond I have with my husband. I know the love Jer and I share is a different kind of love. The best kind. The forever kind. 

I don’t need an extravagant house or a picket fence to be happy. Even though a moat would be kinda neat. Just having each other and the kids makes me happy.

Love is falling in and out of love with the same person many times. I have learned this over the course of my marriage, and each time our relationship becomes more intense as we learn more about each other, and grow in ways I didn’t know was possible.

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Posted in Blogging, Poetry

For Jeremy– Jackass

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SONY DSC

Jackass
© LC 2016

Like a raging storm–
threatening to send her crashing.
he was a sea of anger,
his words echoing like thunder–
falling on deaf ears.

Inspired by an argument my husband and I had this morning. I didn’t have a title for it, and so he said to name it “Jackass.”

You can tell who was at fault, right?

Photo Credit

 

 

Posted in Life

My Son’s Band Concert

Last night I had the pleasure of listening to the high school and middle school band play. We gathered into a crowded auditorium for the Spring concert. Where hormones were raging, babies were crying, and parents watched the stage with a mix of joy, and anxious frustration.

My son is a percussionist. He plays the drums. I am not bragging, but I think he plays good.

Because he is impulsive and always has to be moving, (A.D.D.) he makes a great drummer. Though he did not win an award on our band trip last year, I thought he did an excellent job.

If we had different judges, he may have won. He said he may have missed one beat the entire time. Cut the kid a break. He was awesome! (A mother can be bias.)

His favorite thing to play is the trap set. What is a trap set you might wonder? It’s okay. I did, too. A trap set is the really big set of drums you have to sit down to play.

All the kids love to play them, and almost fight over them.

I am not a percussionist. I am clueless between them. The ones I know– cowbell and triangle. Bongos? I could rock those!

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When we arrived one of the “PTA Yentas” had no idea we would be there. Her son also plays drums, and is a year below my son.

[Yenta-a woman who is a gossip or busybody.]

When I went to say hello before I could open my mouth I received–“Oh, you aren’t supposed to be here!?!”

“Huh? Well it’s nice to see you too!” I thought to myself. “And you were one of the nicer ones! Guess I was wrong!” 

She was super chatty with me last week helping with the book fair. Telling me about drum lessons, and the band trip.

Apparently, my son told her son we weren’t coming. Because of this confusion, her son would cover his parts. Thus, playing the trap set.

She hoped he would share his music. Because her son didn’t have any? That left me clueless.

One– Why wouldn’t they have enough music? Two–  Why wouldn’t he share? Three– Why cranky with me?? Geez.

In our band, they have “section leaders” telling them what to do. Who plays what. It isn’t a fair deal with who plays what part, and the band director doesn’t get involved. He lets them handle it.

The children in the band the longest have seniority. They know more. So they have less sucky parts.

They don’t cowbell as often. Triangle. Or Tambourine.

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I know it’s not fair being the small guy. No one likes it. Everyone should have a turn.

It is kinda the same way in sports. The suckier players don’t get to play. They are benched. It isn’t fair either.

At least in band they get to do something, I guess?

My kid was that sucky kid playing baseball. He didn’t make the cut. He liked it, but wasn’t good at it. He knows how it feels to be the lowest on the totem pole.

So helps the younger kids in his section. He doesn’t mind. He helped her son when they were going on the band trip, as he considers him one of his friends.

Maybe the reason she was so nice to me last week is because she wanted to know why we didn’t go on the band trip. People do that. Pretend to be nice so they can gather information.

“We missed him! We could have used him!” She crooned.

Well, he was supposed to go on a band trip this year. He didn’t go. Why didn’t he go? Oh, because he has his head too far up his ass. I don’t know what his problem is this year.

No, I didn’t use those exact words, but I was honest. His slipping grades. Video games. Teenager stuff. Because we are dealing with real problems here. My son will overcome them, and be better for it.

So- no, he didn’t earn the trip this year. 

Instead he helped her son learn the parts to go. When it was the weekend for the band to go on the trip, he sulked. He disrespected his father, and ended up grounded.

I didn’t tell her everything. The grounded part. Because I didn’t feel like I had to tell her everything.

I am sure they are talking anyway. I wore my dad’s jean jacket to school that morning. I am sure it was a fashion faux pas. Care I do not.

I tried not to let her attitude stick with me during the concert. It was an excellent show! My daughter moving in her seat. I couldn’t keep still myself.

My son playing the trap set made me proud. I could tell when he messed up a couple of times playing other percussion parts by the look on his face. Even though it wasn’t apparent in the song.

He made it obvious to me putting his hand over his face, and whispering about it. Then, laughing. A mother knows her son.

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It was a long show with both middle and high school band, but I prefer it when they present their concert together. Sometimes they do chorus with the band. I would rather hear the band together.

It makes more sense to me. Band with the band. Rocking out.

Young talented musicians. On the rise. Full of hope. It reminded me of my time in high school.

I felt like the walls confined me, and I couldn’t wait to bust out. Couldn’t wait to make my mark.

I hope they succeed with whatever their plans are after high school, and never give up. Life may become rough sometimes, but it’s how we learn and grow into who we are. Who we are meant to be.

My favorite songs they performed– “The Voodoo Dance” by Elliott Del Borgo with my son on the trap set, “Uma Thurman” Arranged by Michael Brown, and “Star Wars the Force Awakens” by John Williams.

By the end of the night, any weird feelings I had from earlier were gone. Her feelings are her problem. What my kid says and what we do are two separate things. We were going, and he had no say. I wanted to hear him play, and see what he did all year in band.

My husband hates going to school functions. He becomes frustrated with people, and how they act. He appears grumpy. Even if he actually isn’t. Because he is on edge.

He deals with rude people during the day. I guess he expects them, and has a low-tolerance for them since I have a different outlook.

I can understand how he feels. The way people act can discourage a person from attending a school function. Raise your anxiety level. Second guess being there. If you are “worthy enough” to attend.

“Do I look alright?”

I know I felt that way!

In the end, I had just as much of a reason to be there as she did. People don’t realize how much their words can sting another person, and often they don’t care. It is sad, but I walked out of there prouder than ever of my boy.

He may be struggling a little now, but it won’t always be so. It all just needs to click, and once it does he will realize he had what it takes all along. He will quit doubting himself.

He will realize what I know to be true. That he has the intelligence and potential to be something great. He is the only one who is holding himself back.

He doesn’t realize how important he is.

How the world needs someone like him, and until he realizes it he won’t shine. He will blend in like the others. Do as they do. Walk like they walk. Speak as they do.

He will continue to bedazzle me with his drumming skills. Until one day I am watching teary-eyed as he is on stage as a senior– at the trap set. With hopes and dreams to make the world a better place because somewhere along the line it happened to click…

I am just praying it clicks sometime soon. 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Blogging, Writing

Day 13: Writing Challenge

Day 13: Writing Challenge What are you most excited about?

Another easy one! After this week, I am tempted to say the weekend! Taking a long-term view– I will say vacation!


As a child, I never went on vacation. We tried to go to the beach one year. The weather had other ideas as it usually does when you make plans in advance.

The sky dark as coal. Ominous. Heavy rain. The trees blowing back and forth like puppets in the wind. We couldn’t go to the beach.

I don’t remember many details from my childhood, however, certain ones stand out. Swimming in the hotel pool with my dad. Grabbing pails of Kentucky Fried Chicken with extra gravy in the rain (dad’s favorite). Falling asleep with gum in my hair.

Riding down in cab of my dad’s red and silver Ford truck was the best part of the trip for me. It was fun. They laid a mattress in the back for me, and I listened to music and sang with my cassette player. I talked to them through the window. It was a beautiful trip– until we arrived.

That was first grade.


When I was nine my parents asked me to choose between a pool or a trip to Florida. It was my choice. What would I like better?

I picked the pool because it would last longer than a vacation. A year later my dad passed away. They were planning the vacation as a surprise, but with mom being newly widowed we never went.

After dad passed, we traveled a little. Trips to visit family in other states, but not vacation.

As an adult, I have never went on vacation. Little trips with my husband for car shows, but not vacation.

As for my children, they haven’t been on vacation– yet.

This year– the whole family goes on vacation! Should be fun. We are going to Outer Banks, NC!

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When I say the whole family goes, it really is the whole family. All my in-laws are going: my mother and father in-law, both of my sister-in-laws with their significant others, and their sons. We are looking forward to spending time with them as we never have any quality time together with living in other states.

The only thing bothering me a little is the probability for drama. Living close quarters with anyone for a week, it will happen. Being the kinda person I am when it comes to stressful situations, I am already thinking about ways I will tune out. “See you guys! I’ll be down on the beach!”

Unless it is my crew.  That possibility also has crossed my mind. I think the kids will be good. The beach will be someplace new to explore, and have adventures.

If not, I’ll bury them in the sand. “Teach you little twerps to misbehave on vacation! “I will be nice though and will give you some sunblock, and water.”

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I didn’t want to go to the beach. I wasn’t looking forward to it because of the possibility of drama. I don’t like it when people argue, and a lot of us are going. That many people jammed into a house can’t be good. Right?

As the months have passed, I find my perspective has changed. I can’t think of all the bad things that could happen. They might not happen at all. Things could be fine. But I will never know if I don’t go. I hate anxiety!

And we need a vacation! To get away from everything even if it’s only a little while. I am sure you can relate. Things pile up and eat away at you. A break is nice!

I look forward to spending time with our family, having fun, and the beautiful scenery. I will enjoy every minute. Hopefully with no rain this time!

Posted in Blogging, Writing

Day 11: Writing Challenge

Day 11: Writing Challenge– Something You Always Think What If About

The What-IF Trap–

When I was younger, I entertained the what-if’s in my life.

What-if I stayed with this person? What-if I developed a backbone before it affected my academic career in high school?

What-if my father hadn’t passed away when I was ten?

Truthfully, it is dangerous to think in “What-If’s.” It is a trap!

It’s like living in a fairy tale world of what could have been instead of what is now. Any time you do that, you have blinders on. Unable to see the good things happening around you.

This line of thought only serves to make you miserable. It is a waste of your time, and efforts. What could you be doing instead? 

I like to think everything happens for a reason.

Dealing with My What-If’s–

Everything in life serves to make you stronger. Who you are. I have learned this the hard way through life experiences.

I wasn’t always the person I am now. As we grow older, we change and grow. We don’t understand things when they happen to us. I still don’t.

I can see some as beneficial.

I see the rose-colored glasses. I believe the best in people. It’s who I am. It could be why I was bullied in school. I was raised differently at home with certain values, and to treat people respectfully.

Maybe they weren’t. 

I didn’t stick up for myself. Didn’t have enough courage. None of my friends would stand with me save for one.

Even though I went through this terrible experience with bullying, I am much stronger from it now. I learned who my friends were. I learned to rely more upon myself.

I picked myself up off the ground from a divorce, and went to college. (Before I met my current husband), I supported my son for two years, worked, and went to school. I have two degrees, and 80 % of a third.

It’s something I am proud of because this is the girl who let bullies push her out of school. Took her GED and passed the same day. Wooot!

If I hadn’t my life may be different, however, I might not have learned as much as I have from this experience.

Like my bad choices in relationships, I have had enough of them to last a lifetime. I used to wonder if I made the right choices in leaving/staying. Now that I’m older, I know that I have. I am happier where I am. 

Learning experiences!

It’s easy to look back and romanticize certain aspects of relationships when things aren’t going well in the present with current relationships. Even though things were horrible in past relationships. It’s not that you miss the person. You miss certain things you did.

It became easy to disconnect the “what-if I stayed with that person link” by doing certain things with my current parter. The affection, attention, and communication should be there anyway.

A relationship is what you make it. Like a car, it needs maintenance.

Relationships are important. Especially with family. I often wonder if my family would be happier if my dad were still alive. He passed in 1992.

Honestly, I see no reason behind his passing. With Nanny, I can say she was ready. She was old. With dad, he was 55. He died of a heart-attack in the middle of the night.

I can remember it like it was yesterday. Even if I try to forget it, I don’t think I could. It replays like a record. Because it was a traumatic experience, it has stuck with me.

It is hard to watch the decline of a family, but it continues even after 24 years. He was the adhesive holding us all together. Now we all fall apart. Go our own ways.

Everything Happens For A Reason–

Sometimes, “Everything Happens for a Reason” sounds like a cop-out. I will agree with that. In some situations, it doesn’t apply. Like when someone passes. It is shit. Not what a person wants to hear.

“I am sorry. Everything happens for a reason.” Sorry. No…

However, in other situations, events can happen for a specific purpose. To make you a stronger, better person. To help you deal with whatever it is you are going through. To help you navigate what is coming next!

For example: In 2012, I was diagnosed with both Sjogren’s Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. One is an autoimmune disease and the other is a chronic pain disorder.

At first, I was angry. Mad at the world! I went through stages of grief. I didn’t think I would ever be the same again!

Then, my outlook changed. Yes, I have these things, BUT they don’t have me. They won’t ever have me. I am going to wake up everyday, and give them the fight of their life. I will never surrender my body.

Since my diagnosis, I have a greater appreciation for people in my life. I try to let them know how much I care, and I love them. I try not to take anything for granted.

I have become more spiritual, and know I need God. I can honestly say without him.I may be in worse condition. 

They thought I had breast cancer. I didn’t. They thought I had lymphoma. I didn’t. I owe him everything. He is amazing! 

Though I would never push my  spiritual beliefs over on anyone, I don’t work like that. But I gotta say I believe in God, and the miracles he does. I am one! 

I do believe I was diagnosed with this disease, and condition for a purpose. I am not going to lie– it isn’t always easy. It’s a challenge some days. I think I am here to help those who are struggling.

I will never give up! It’s better to be positive. The negative will eat away your soul.

Living in the Now

Now that I am older, I realize living in the now is important. It is healthier.

It is alright to reminisce. Just not live there.

So I try not think with my blinders on anymore. Of “What-if’s” and would could have happened then?

Living in the present has enough worries of its own!

 

Food For Thought

“Every choice in life sets us on a different path and carries its own set of “what ifs” and consequences that we could worry about, but what’s the use? Rather than plaguing our thoughts with the unknown, we should focus on and accept only what we do know – and all we know is the path we’re currently on.”
― A.J. Darkholme

“Live your life without ever having to ask, ‘What if?”
― Ken Poirot

“It’s being here now that’s important. There’s no past and there’s no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can’t relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don’t know if there is one.”
― George Harrison

“Before you can live a part of you has to die. You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently. You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours. When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others. From this point you will finally be free.”
― Shannon L. Alder

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Posted in Poetry

Saturday Afternoons

Saturday Afternoons.
©LC 2016

Cursing profusely–
the job is complete. Working
on cars. Grumpy Men.

Inspired by my husband working on his car on Saturdays. He is working on a transmission swap. I couldn’t do what he does, but somehow he knows where everything goes.