Posted in Loss, Poetry

The Love of A Friend.

The Love of A Friend.

©2016 LC

I close my eyes,

and picture your face.

and I don’t want to realize–

where you’ve gone, you can’t be found.

you are defying time and space.

 

To be selfish, I’d travel anyplace.

To bring you back, I’d defy logistics and  gravity.

Time cannot heal. Sweet memories.

Of when you were around.

You were more than a friend, you were family.

 

The pain won’t leave. It lingers still.

I loved you then and now, and I always will.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Loss, Poetry

Hidden Behind Your Smile.

Hidden Behind Your Smile.

©2016 LC

Your pretty smiles–  so deceiving,

like how could we possibly you were in pain?

Such a beautiful person from the outside,

yet struggled so much in vain.

You were a great friend,

always there in a time of need.

Dealing with so much at home,

you only wanted freed.

You were so happy,

Your laugh– an enchantment to young men.

Until you had to go home,

and deal with it all over again.

I remember that day in my yard,

the song blasting on the stereo.

The words we sang–

You did not want to go.

Shortly after, you joined the wrong crowd.

Started acting like an imbecile!!

Before I knew it you shipped to California

To live with your dad, typical.

No goodbyes were said–

short notice, you’d be back after your stint.

Only then we got bad news,

and we knew that you wouldn’t..

Why did you take all the Tylenol?

Weeks before you turned 16?

Didn’t you think about your family and friends?

Come on ‘Chelle that was mean.

I miss you more than ever.

You were such a beautiful soul.

I don’t understand why you did it.

I will never understand your goal.

Memories will always remain–

in my heart where you belong.

You’re a song that stays with me forever

and carries over into the great beyond.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in General, Life

Celebrating Life.

I’m having one of those weeks. Maybe because all days preceded this day. I told myself today wouldn’t be a bad day. I went to bed last night telling myself, “It will be alright. Tomorrow is her birthday. It will be hard because she isn’t here, but you will get through it.”

Birthdays and anniversaries are the hardest. December made it three years since my best friend left us. It doesn’t seem so long ago and it certainly doesn’t seem fair. If I try to understand why, I will be angry a long time. So I decided I can’t be angry.

I didn’t have a good morning. My hair wouldn’t go right. When I put it up, it fell down. Down it stayed. I didn’t have time to grab my belt– so I had to keep pulling them up since they were on the verge of falling down. I had to wear my glasses because I was in “headache territory” all day, and my boots only added to my somewhat disheveled appearance. I didn’t care. Not today.

The kids were off to school on time. I didn’t run behind with them. Or with getting to the dentist. My appointment went better than I expected. Made me feel a lot better after the morning I had. Like today stood a chance of not being a sucky day.

When I went to to store, I bought a giant, dark chocolate bar. Because if she were here, she would be eating chocolate. We would be eating some together. It is what we did even though she was a diabetic.

She wanted to live life to the fullest— and she did. At times, it made her somewhat of a rule breaker, but we had fun. Hanging out we always had a ton of laughs!

The chocolate didn’t last the ride home. It made me feel better remembering her. Even if I do miss her. Even if she isn’t here to talk to. It is hard missing my closest friend. Without her here, it has been lonely.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the right to miss her. It has been weird with her family. I don’t know if they resent me because we were such good friends. Or maybe because they feel I wasn’t a good enough friend.

Her Facebook wall remains intact. People still post there. It’s nice to see things come up depending on the mood of my day in “your memories.” I see posts come up from people on her birthdays and anniversaries of her death and wonder how often she talked to those people since she rarely spoke of them to me. Then, I get resentful because sure now they miss her because she is gone. I know I do. I know I shouldn’t feel that way. Maybe it is their cross to bear. Not mine. I have my own.

She was thirty-three when she passed. She had a life ahead of her. She had a son. She was getting married. She was a kind person. A loving person who had so much to offer the world.

You have murders, who live, and people who ask to die every day. So sometimes you wonder why people die so young. I know we aren’t supposed to question God. But one day when I get to Heaven, I think I will know why she had to die so young. And she will know how much I missed her here. How much everyone missed having her here.

We only get to live once. Every day matters. Our lives matter. They count for something, and we never truly know when our last day might be. It’s a scary thought to consider, however, death doesn’t care how old you are. Are you making your days count?

I am not going to be sad today. I am going to celebrate her life because it is what she would have wanted. Life should be celebrated. Every day! After all it is another day we are here!

 

 

 

 

Posted in Loss

Cancer.

Cancer. I hate Cancer. The word rolls off my tongue, and I want to choke on it. Invading our bodies without an invitation. Sometimes without a known cause, its intent to rob us of every last breath. Making us suffer until every last-minute is agony, and making a person comfortable is the last stop before home.

Cancer, the nasty beast, claimed another victim today. Our long time next-door neighbor and friend. My mom I think is beside herself because she became closer with them lately. She did some of their grocery shopping, helped with his medications, and brought in the mail. I helped, on occasion, when I could. I sent pie a couple of times, and cookies.

When I was younger and my dad was still alive, he and Mark were the best of friends. Always bull-shitting, cracking jokes, and talking about cars. We went out on Mark’s boat once. I wouldn’t go out on the water because I was afraid. They tricked me by telling me to sit in the inner tube when we took a break. Then, they took off! ha ha! Of course, a day or two after we went out on the boat dad passed. It was nice to have this day before the bad came creeping in.

So of course, when Nan came to live with us we were a house full of women. We didn’t know how to fix anything! If anything broke it was cause for panic! Oh, I can picture my grandmother now! Hands thrown up in the air! Huffing and puffing! Call Mark she’d say, and he’d come right away with his tools.

It didn’t matter how big or small the issue. He’d fix it. Cars, recliners, thermostats. Of course, Nan would complain he overcharged. It was her way with everything though. He would listen patiently to her tell him of the issue causing her panic, and fix it to the best of his ability.

I didn’t see him much over the years after I moved out. Off and on I suppose you’d say only in passing. They were good neighbors and friends too. I sent cookies over for holidays, and when Mark’s father passed away.

I remember running into him at the store a year ago. He had his oxygen tank, and was so excited to see me. He couldn’t believe I lost so much weight, and he asked about the Mustang I drive. He liked it because he’s loud. He always told my mom he could hear me coming down the road. His mother thought she saw me once, and he told her, “No, you’d hear her coming from over town.”

I went in a couple of times when mom took groceries. It smelled a lot because he smoked, and they have a cat. His mom doesn’t clean since she’s elderly and can’t. Mom did their shopping because if she drove any longer she’d wreck. It was nice talking to them when I was there. I only regret I didn’t take the time to talk longer. I know he enjoyed talking to me, and he knew my dad. There had to be some funny stories there. Now I’ll never know.

I feel like I’m at a loss. Maybe I should have done more than just baked for them. Or helped with groceries and taking mail over. I know sitting there talking I would have had a hard time breathing, however, it may have made a difference to a dying man. Or I may have learned something.

Oftentimes we say we know someone, but do we really know them? When they are alive we tell ourselves we ARE doing things, and are helping because we are taking little bits and pieces out of our day, but is it enough to satisfy ourselves? Are we prepared for the moment in our lives when we reflect and wonder, “Could I have done more?”

My neighbor across the street from me passed over Christmas from Cancer. My son happened to take her Christmas cookies over the day she passed. Her son came over, and told me thank you for supplying the baked goods for her. I felt so bad she was over there alone suffering with Cancer. Her son and daughter visited, but the majority of the time she was alone.

I couldn’t imagine being alone and suffering with Cancer. After she passed, I wondered if I should have done more? More than baking and sending stuff over? What could I have done?

I made my husband and his company be quiet when they were loud outside. I don’t think I could have been friends with her. She wasn’t a nice woman. We worked together when I was a teenager. I had a part-time job taking care of an elderly lady who was not very nice! She worked there with me. Her son said she liked seeing Henry and Kayla when they brought cookies over. I wonder if that was enough.

I miss seeing her look out the window, and knowing I have another set of eyes watching the kids. Or knowing she is alright over there. I knew when the blinds were open she was up and around, and when they were down she was sick. I knew she watched out for me. I suppose in my own way I watched out for her too with keeping it down over here, and sending the cookies. I know she isn’t suffering anymore, and hope she found it to the right place. Maybe I could have sent the preacher over.

Cancer. Is nasty. I hope it is something I never have. Or nobody in my family has to suffer with. It is one of those diseases you never really know about. The wind could blow and you have it. It is like a lottery you don’t want to win. I hoped I wouldn’t know anyone who ever had to suffer with it, but so far it’s not the case. Are we ever that fortunate?

Posted in Loss

10 Months Ago…

10 months ago I lost my best friend. It still feels like yesterday to me. She was my closest companion for about 17 years and all I had. We were two sides of the same coin. Now she’s gone and the world seems foreign to me.

I know I should be okay, but I’m not okay. I’m far from okay. I put on a strong exterior, but on the inside I’m broken. 10 months ago, my best friend in the whole world was taken from me. I don’t ever want to forget her. Anything of her. Her unique way of doing things, her laugh, and smile. Her witty sense of humor. The way she made everything okay, and knew just what to say… I miss her.

Gone is the girl I spent nights and days with. Got my first tattoo with. Made stupid decisions with. Went on spur-of-the-moment adventures with. The memories haunt me and overwhelm me. They attack me when I feel fine and tears fall.. the unwelcome guests they are… burning my eyes and hot on my face.

I will never have another friend like her. She was honest with me even when I didn’t want to hear it, but yet she was funny about it. She went along with me anyway. And when I messed it all up, she helped me fix it. She didn’t talk behind my back, but when someone else was she always stood up for me. I had a rumor going around school about me for years, and out of ALL my SO-called friends she was the only one who would walk down the hall with me.  The only one…

10 months ago, the pain was crippling. It squeezed my heart. It still does. I talk to her, but I don’t know if she hears me. When I do my routine exercise, I tell her jokingly don’t judge! I wish I would have got more time with her. You never know when people will pass. When she was here certain things prevented us from spending as much time together or talking as much as we would have liked to, but when we did it was as if no time had passed at all. Though it never bothered us or made us insecure about our friendship because we knew in our hearts how we felt about each other. She was always there for me, and I was for her also.

What bothers me the most when I start thinking of her is how sad she was before she passed. Her circumstances were weighing heavily on her heart, and she never could seem to get them to change even though she tried. She also had diabetes pretty bad, but no one really knew how bad it was except for her. Remembering her like that makes me think about her life, and what she went through with her fiance and family. How she fought so hard to be happy, but so much of her life was unhappy. Makes me grieve for a life lived in vain. It makes me think about life in general. And my life.

10 months ago my life changed. It was turned upside-down by death. Everyone dies eventually, but it is the unexpected losses wrecking your whole world. Making you question everything you thought you knew. I know I miss her more than anything in the world, and it hurts more than anything in the world.

I have only been to see her a handful of times for which I feel guilty. I put a nice Easter cross on her grave, but it’s hard for me to go. She still hasn’t got her headstone yet. Last time I went I wanted to lay there on the grass and have a nice conversation with her. I didn’t though I left upset because her headstone is taking such a long time to be placed and it is paid for.

I hope one day I will be lucky enough to see her again. I try hard not to take anything for granted, and to live in the moment. People get so caught up in certain aspects of life. Wrapped up in social media, their phones, etc, they forget what is going on around them. I try to let the people closest to me know they matter. People, Moments, Living.. that is important.

If she would have never left us.. 10 months ago, I wonder how different things would be.

Posted in Blogging, Writing Classes

Decisions, Decisions.

Since losing my friend, I  give the future and life in general a lot of thought. So one of the things I did was sign up for some writing classes with the library since I’ve not done anything with it. Nothing I ever dreamed I’d do anyway.

One of them is a basic intro to journalism class and the other is creative writing. They each last six weeks. I’m hoping they help me get back into what I started all those years ago, and out of the writer’s block I get stuck in sometimes.

One of the things I’d like to start doing more often is blogging. I’d like to at least once or twice a week. That’s what I’m starting this week. I think it also helps get things off my chest, and then I’m not holding things in as much.

This will be a good distraction.. from.. well.. life.