You are my wilderness. No more.
~ Where Nothing Grows
You are my wilderness. No more.
~ Where Nothing Grows
Time slipped away like memories lost.
~ A Life Unlived
It may seem as though I abandoned my blog. It does look that way. Though appearances are often deceiving…
As much as I wanted to write, I had a series of catastrophes to deal with. First, my failing marriage– no surprise there. Second, health issues and testing– stalemate. Third, my children (my teenager and his issues) — and dun dun dun home-school.
Situations aren’t as bad as they look on your computer screen.
With many prayers and compromises from both parties, my marriage is improving. Health issues are.. meh. It seems my situation stays the same, which is disheartening. I am hoping my last specialist appointment will help uncover part of the mystery. And home-school.. I know! Wow!
So why did I decide on home-school?
Having a teenager is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life! They can be so complicated. I feel bad for EVERYTHING I put my mother through!!
My son isn’t a troublemaker. He wasn’t expelled. The school wasn’t helping him. In some ways, they held him back. In other ways, he fell behind with his school work.
So our decision was partially because of the school. The other part was the crowd he associated with. I am not labeling these kids as “bad” kids. They were guilty by their assocation with my son. I knew how he acted was strange. He started becoming very distracted and unfocused until he started acting different at home, and losing his focus. He never fell behind before. He always made the honor roll.
So, he may not have made the honor roll. Big deal. But I knew, I couldn’t have him around people who were effecting the way he was acting, and could possiblty cause trouble. If he started having trouble in his last year of middle school, what would high school be like?
He already started having trouble with bullying in middle school. What would high school be like? What would peer pressure look like? Would he cave?
Would I have to worry about my son and his ADHD? My son whose impulses are sometimes out of control because of his ADHD? I didn’t want to find out.
So yeah. Call me an overprotective mom, if you would like to. I did what I thought was best.
My daughter experienced some trouble in elementary school. Not in the same ways my son did. However, it seemed beneficial to look for alternatives.
I did a ton of research for online schools vs. traditional homeschooling, and found an exceptional online school. After a month of deciding, as it wasn’t a decision made lightly, they were enrolled. We needed something different!
Starting school at home was not without its challenges. It took some time adapting to a routine. However, they are doing excellent. I am proud of them. Although it does consume my time, I love how rewarding it is to watch them grow and learn.
People look at us differently because of our decision to home-school. We feel like social pariahs because we stepped outside the accepted norm of society. Though our instructors are as qualitied and capable as the ones in public school, they are also certified by the state. Our school gives more freedom to your schedule of when you want to do school. Or if you want to work ahead. It allows for more creativity and free-thinking.
And again– the instructors are awesome. They don’t judge your children based on their appearance. Or go by favoritism. My children worked hard to earn the grades they have without worrying about if their teacher was having a good day, and was going to yell at them. Or complain about their job. Because they love teaching.
My daughter was so far behind in math when we came because she struggled. She was being ignored in public school, and not getting the help she needed. She is all caught up with math, and doesn’t mind the class with her instructors. If she learns at a faster rate, they will teach her at that rate.
So school is something good we have going for us..
Over the winter, I went through a major depression. I didn’t feel like doing anything aside from my normal routine, and hanging out with family. Family was great. Forget going outside. Seeing anyone. Talking to anyone. Writing anything. Why write anything? It’s going to sound dumb.
Anything I loved doing– I didn’t have the energy or willpower to do.
I hated how I looked in the mirror. I hated my reflection. Eat. Don’t eat. Sleep. Can’t sleep. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt.
Depression is awful. It makes you think things that aren’t true. Feel things you shouldn’t feel. What am I supposed to remember again? Crap! Grumble. Grumble. Grumble.
I didn’t have any thoughts of suicide, but some who battle depression do have those thoughts. If you have depression and have these thoughts please talk to someone– a counselor or the suicide hotline– 1-800-273-8255
More than 300 million people of all ages suffer from depression. So if you are one of the ones who suffer like I do, you are not alone. May is Mental Health Awareness month!
Depression is a
dark cloud over my head, lurking.
Like I created
my own personal
monsoon. If only I had
energy to blast
the rain from capturing my
soul- a rainbow would
appear in the sky.
I’m tired of living my life–
in these dark shadows you cast.
I’m not the person you wish I’d be.
You hold on ever so tightly to the past.
I’m forever and with no regrets me.
You wallow in self-pity–
bathing in layers of disdain.
Ideals you’ve become a slave to.
Your family unit you try so hard to contain.
Keeping secrets that threaten to break you.
Your actions towards others–
like you don’t even care.
This isn’t how families act.
Feeling attacked. Not fighting fair.
Walking on shards of glass.
No longer will I walk around cutting my feet.
Getting to know me is a two-way street.
I am your daughter only through DNA–
In no way are we the same.
I’m not going to live my life in your shadow–
the past is gone, and tomorrow is new.
Be proactive, not hollow–
Only talking can heal the wounds of the past like glue.
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
”Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, ‘tapping at my chamber door-
Only this, and nothing more.’
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;- vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow- sorrow for the lost Lenore-
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore-
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
”Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door-
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;-
This it is, and nothing more.’
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
‘Sir,’ said I, ‘or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you’- here I opened wide the door;-
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, ‘Lenore!’
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, ‘Lenore!’-
Merely this, and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
‘Surely,’ said I, ‘surely that is something at my window lattice:
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore-
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;-
‘Tis the wind and nothing more.’
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door-
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door-
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore.
‘Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,’ I said, ‘art sure no
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore-
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!’
Quoth the Raven, ‘Nevermore.’
Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning- little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blest with seeing bird above his chamber door-
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as ‘Nevermore.’
But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered- not a feather then he fluttered-
Till I scarcely more than muttered, ‘other friends have flown
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.’
Then the bird said, ‘Nevermore.’
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
‘Doubtless,’ said I, ‘what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore-
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of ‘Never- nevermore’.’
But the Raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and
Then upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore-
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking ‘Nevermore.’
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o’er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then methought the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.
‘Wretch,’ I cried, ‘thy God hath lent thee- by these angels he
hath sent thee
Respite- respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!’
Quoth the Raven, ‘Nevermore.’
‘Prophet!’ said I, ‘thing of evil!- prophet still, if bird or
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted-
On this home by horror haunted- tell me truly, I implore-
Is there- is there balm in Gilead?- tell me- tell me, I implore!’
Quoth the Raven, ‘Nevermore.’
‘Prophet!’ said I, ‘thing of evil- prophet still, if bird or
By that Heaven that bends above us- by that God we both adore-
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore-
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore.’
Quoth the Raven, ‘Nevermore.’
‘Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend,’ I shrieked,
‘Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!- quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my
Quoth the Raven, ‘Nevermore.’
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamplight o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted- nevermore!
I look at you daddy,
and I see so much pain.
A man split in two.
Maybe never to be whole again?
Looking at you daddy–
I realize you look a lot like me.
I can see the pain in your eyes.
Yet so much is hidden that I don’t see.
I look at you– my father–
and the pain consuming your face.
I hope it wasn’t ever caused by me
Because I didn’t grow up at your place.
I look at your hands–
so much bigger than mine.
But the hurt, the pain, in your eyes–
has been there for quite some time.
I look at you– my dad,
and I realize I don’t really know you– at all.
Except we like to occasionally listen to the same tunes.
You and mom gave me up when I was so small.
Looking at you daddy,
is like seeing a wraith– a ghost.
When are you coming back to us?
Your family needs you the most.
Flirting with Death.
He hides behind the lies,
Depression feeds into his mind.
“Feel sorry for me,” he says with his eyes.
While inside his soul withers and dies.
The darkness his uncontrollable obsession–
though the demons he cannot face.
He has become their prized possession.
As he considers his last confession.
He wants to go in as-much he wants to stay.
Haunted by ghosts of yesterday.
Regrets crush his chest with every breath.
As he flirts with idea of death.
It has been a difficult week for writing. I couldn’t be happier to greet a Friday morning. I was a surge of energy as I completed my morning routine, grabbed some coffee, my comfy clothes, and sat down to write!
All I wanted to do all week! Didn’t have time. Bummer!
I have been making an extreme effort to keep things going. I planned out a schedule, and thought of other ideas a couple of nights ago. Things I might add in the future. I think it’s trial and error. Learning what works, and what doesn’t.
My mind is split in so many directions this week. Three out of five days I had appointments. Certain issues to deal with for the children. Bills to pay. Oh, and a new medication to try. Side effects are lovely. Not!
Let me just say briefly taking Cymbalta for joint pain was not a good experience. I felt wired. Not in a good way. I felt all kinds of weird things. Extremely happy. Then, sad. I couldn’t sit still. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t sleep.
If I woke up in the night, then tried to resume sleeping I couldn’t. My husband the lumberjack was a chainsaw cutting logs– the snoring kept me up.
When I can’t sleep, I can’t think to write very well.
My son is having issues at school. He promised he would do better. Even with modifications at home, he isn’t. We are attending counseling. Still not breaking through. It is breaking my heart.
He tells my mother on me. It is like she is going to save him. Tell me I am unfair and he should have video games all the time. They aren’t good for him. How do I know who he is talking to on there? I don’t.
So he won’t have free rein. I know what he is doing, and when.
We had a conversation last night about his circle of friends. I think they are a bad influence. Maybe not all of them. However, since hanging out with some of them he is losing interest in things once important to him.
For instance: He LOVED taking a yearly trip with the band for their competition. This year, he had NO interest in going. It was almost like he did poorly in class so he didn’t go. Slacked off.
This bothers me because he is smart. He didn’t do this the first two semesters. He loves band. He is an EXCELLENT drummer. Gets along so well with his band director. Didn’t even bother to tell him we weren’t going on this trip. I don’t know why.
Another instance: Out of the blue yesterday, he says he doesn’t want to be a video game designer/developer. This has been his life long dream since I can remember. He went to school bragging about it. How he was going to be so good at it. He knew he had to work hard, and he didn’t care. He had the grades to do it. He only had to work at Math.
I told him I would support him no matter what he wanted to do. I believe, as a parent, it is what we have to do. Be supportive. Though he doesn’t even know what that IS now. I don’t know what would cause him to give up his dream?
So last night, I told him he needed to evaluate the people closest to him. Maybe they are jealous of him because he does so well, and they are trying to drag him down? Friends can be fake behind your back? It can be rare to find a genuine friend. (In my experiences.)
One of his friends wasn’t taking gym. So he decided he wasn’t going to either. This was affecting his gym grade dramatically. They will fail him– eventually. He would “accidentally” forget his clothes. We spoke to him about his lack of effort, and how it is lazy not to change. Gym is an easy grade.
Last night, he told me he “at least his friend was changing for gym” because he helped him. I chuckled. Still not sinking in– I said,” Yeah, you may be helping him, but he isn’t helping you! You are still sinking!”
His answer to everything– “Yeah, I’m gonna fix that!”
You shouldn’t lose yourself in a friendship. You need to be yourself, too. Not who your friends are. He doesn’t understand that.
He doesn’t understand while his grades are plummeting, and he isn’t putting in the effort that they are affecting who he is becoming. He is letting them.
He isn’t understanding the natural progression of school. It’s going to get harder and faster, and he isn’t prepared. He needs to separate himself from these people. He needs organization, but he’s lazy.
He thinks it is okay to act like a 20-something year-old stoner, who sits around all day playing video games, and has no other care in the world. I don’t know how he is going to learn how to establish healthy relationships if we can’t pry him away from the virtual world.
Which his doctor and therapist agree is okay in limited forms. It helps his depression. Depression from middle-school because it is awful there.
This week, he told me he has a sixteen dollar tab because mysteriously his lunch keeps getting taken. He doesn’t know by whom. I called his father asking if he would call the school. But at this point, we aren’t sure if he is making an excuse to eat at school.
We told him to be more alert when he is eating so when we call the school we have a name. How can we call if we don’t have a name? If he is talking and not paying attention, he needs to pay more attention to his lunch, and eating.
He agrees to stuff, but then he complains about it later. So typical.
I am so glad my daughter isn’t a teenager, yet.
So yeah, that is this week in a nutshell. I made it!
Hopefully this weekend is a nice relaxing one. With some time to write, and plan.
Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend!
I have been trying to find this song for weeks! Today it comes on!
I think it’s a good song! Give it a listen! See what you think?
I’m just a dreamer but I’m hanging on
Though I am nothing big to offer
I watch the birds, how they dive in then gone
It’s like nothing in this world’s ever still
And I’m just a shadow of your thoughts in me
But sun is setting, shadows growing
A long cast figure will turn into night
It’s like nothing in this world ever sleeps
Oh sometimes the blues is just a passing bird
And why can’t that always be
Tossing aside from your birches crown
Just enough dark to see
How you’re the light over me