Posted in Poetry

Is He Calling You?

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Is He Calling You?
© LC  2017

The Lake of Fire is
overwhelmed with tormented
souls. Reclaim yours-
Salvation is near.
Ask and receive what is promised.
God loves his creation–
You he adores.
He has plans for you.
What were you meant to do
for his glory?
What is your calling?
Always– he is with you.
Wherever the wind blows you.
He wants to be your Protector.
To see you home safely with him.
Heaven. Our eternal home.
Reunited at once.
With those we lost.
Happy forevermore.

 

Posted in General, Life

Celebrating Life.

I’m having one of those weeks. Maybe because all days preceded this day. I told myself today wouldn’t be a bad day. I went to bed last night telling myself, “It will be alright. Tomorrow is her birthday. It will be hard because she isn’t here, but you will get through it.”

Birthdays and anniversaries are the hardest. December made it three years since my best friend left us. It doesn’t seem so long ago and it certainly doesn’t seem fair. If I try to understand why, I will be angry a long time. So I decided I can’t be angry.

I didn’t have a good morning. My hair wouldn’t go right. When I put it up, it fell down. Down it stayed. I didn’t have time to grab my belt– so I had to keep pulling them up since they were on the verge of falling down. I had to wear my glasses because I was in “headache territory” all day, and my boots only added to my somewhat disheveled appearance. I didn’t care. Not today.

The kids were off to school on time. I didn’t run behind with them. Or with getting to the dentist. My appointment went better than I expected. Made me feel a lot better after the morning I had. Like today stood a chance of not being a sucky day.

When I went to to store, I bought a giant, dark chocolate bar. Because if she were here, she would be eating chocolate. We would be eating some together. It is what we did even though she was a diabetic.

She wanted to live life to the fullest— and she did. At times, it made her somewhat of a rule breaker, but we had fun. Hanging out we always had a ton of laughs!

The chocolate didn’t last the ride home. It made me feel better remembering her. Even if I do miss her. Even if she isn’t here to talk to. It is hard missing my closest friend. Without her here, it has been lonely.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the right to miss her. It has been weird with her family. I don’t know if they resent me because we were such good friends. Or maybe because they feel I wasn’t a good enough friend.

Her Facebook wall remains intact. People still post there. It’s nice to see things come up depending on the mood of my day in “your memories.” I see posts come up from people on her birthdays and anniversaries of her death and wonder how often she talked to those people since she rarely spoke of them to me. Then, I get resentful because sure now they miss her because she is gone. I know I do. I know I shouldn’t feel that way. Maybe it is their cross to bear. Not mine. I have my own.

She was thirty-three when she passed. She had a life ahead of her. She had a son. She was getting married. She was a kind person. A loving person who had so much to offer the world.

You have murders, who live, and people who ask to die every day. So sometimes you wonder why people die so young. I know we aren’t supposed to question God. But one day when I get to Heaven, I think I will know why she had to die so young. And she will know how much I missed her here. How much everyone missed having her here.

We only get to live once. Every day matters. Our lives matter. They count for something, and we never truly know when our last day might be. It’s a scary thought to consider, however, death doesn’t care how old you are. Are you making your days count?

I am not going to be sad today. I am going to celebrate her life because it is what she would have wanted. Life should be celebrated. Every day! After all it is another day we are here!

 

 

 

 

Posted in Loss

10 Months Ago…

10 months ago I lost my best friend. It still feels like yesterday to me. She was my closest companion for about 17 years and all I had. We were two sides of the same coin. Now she’s gone and the world seems foreign to me.

I know I should be okay, but I’m not okay. I’m far from okay. I put on a strong exterior, but on the inside I’m broken. 10 months ago, my best friend in the whole world was taken from me. I don’t ever want to forget her. Anything of her. Her unique way of doing things, her laugh, and smile. Her witty sense of humor. The way she made everything okay, and knew just what to say… I miss her.

Gone is the girl I spent nights and days with. Got my first tattoo with. Made stupid decisions with. Went on spur-of-the-moment adventures with. The memories haunt me and overwhelm me. They attack me when I feel fine and tears fall.. the unwelcome guests they are… burning my eyes and hot on my face.

I will never have another friend like her. She was honest with me even when I didn’t want to hear it, but yet she was funny about it. She went along with me anyway. And when I messed it all up, she helped me fix it. She didn’t talk behind my back, but when someone else was she always stood up for me. I had a rumor going around school about me for years, and out of ALL my SO-called friends she was the only one who would walk down the hall with me.  The only one…

10 months ago, the pain was crippling. It squeezed my heart. It still does. I talk to her, but I don’t know if she hears me. When I do my routine exercise, I tell her jokingly don’t judge! I wish I would have got more time with her. You never know when people will pass. When she was here certain things prevented us from spending as much time together or talking as much as we would have liked to, but when we did it was as if no time had passed at all. Though it never bothered us or made us insecure about our friendship because we knew in our hearts how we felt about each other. She was always there for me, and I was for her also.

What bothers me the most when I start thinking of her is how sad she was before she passed. Her circumstances were weighing heavily on her heart, and she never could seem to get them to change even though she tried. She also had diabetes pretty bad, but no one really knew how bad it was except for her. Remembering her like that makes me think about her life, and what she went through with her fiance and family. How she fought so hard to be happy, but so much of her life was unhappy. Makes me grieve for a life lived in vain. It makes me think about life in general. And my life.

10 months ago my life changed. It was turned upside-down by death. Everyone dies eventually, but it is the unexpected losses wrecking your whole world. Making you question everything you thought you knew. I know I miss her more than anything in the world, and it hurts more than anything in the world.

I have only been to see her a handful of times for which I feel guilty. I put a nice Easter cross on her grave, but it’s hard for me to go. She still hasn’t got her headstone yet. Last time I went I wanted to lay there on the grass and have a nice conversation with her. I didn’t though I left upset because her headstone is taking such a long time to be placed and it is paid for.

I hope one day I will be lucky enough to see her again. I try hard not to take anything for granted, and to live in the moment. People get so caught up in certain aspects of life. Wrapped up in social media, their phones, etc, they forget what is going on around them. I try to let the people closest to me know they matter. People, Moments, Living.. that is important.

If she would have never left us.. 10 months ago, I wonder how different things would be.

Posted in Poetry

Lost.

Lost

©2014 lc

Nothing is the same to me anymore

I can’t seem to find my way

I’ve got lost somewhere I’ve never been before

But I’m sure I’ll make it back someday

I can’t explain what I feel

because it feels different from ever before

Everything just seems so surreal

I feel the hurt right down to the core

My heart aches and my eyes tear

I wish it weren’t true

I know that you will always be near

But part of me will always be missing because I lost you

You were so much more than my best friend

you were like my family

you were so young, the reasons I can’t comprehend

But it’s not up to me to question God’s reasoning

When night comes I stay up late and it seems so long

then I don’t want to get up in the morning

Because it hits me you are gone and I know the day awaits

but without you here it all feels so wrong

I think about you every day and I smile

I am glad I had 17 years with you in my life

I know you are happy where you are at now

We had all the time fate would allow

You really were the greatest friend I ever had

I will miss you with all of my soul

So until we meet again I guess

that I have to start marching forward and start letting this grief go.