Where Death Awaits.
LC © 2017
He controls the streets
the alley comes alive with
lost souls who crave more.
He controls the streets
the alley comes alive with
lost souls who crave more.
Hey, you should be HERE.
Instead you pissed us away-
For the drugs and beer.
Your “son” is a teen–
I grow prouder every day.
This wasn’t your dream–
It was mine.
To think you signed your rights away
on the dotted line.
To mess with his head–
after four years is low.
To him you are “dead.”
You messed it up years ago,
it was NOT me. Paper trails don’t lie–
And I am glad he knows.
You cannot expect honesty–
from an addict I’ve learned.
Your stories change constantly.
Yet here we are again–
living in the past. We’ve moved on.
You have nothing to gain.
Move on. Stay away!
The best thing you ever did–
was walking away…
Addiction steals life–
You were meant to live. A thief–
Sneaking your last breath.
Having a hard time today with writing. I am not going to try to force it anymore. Staring at this white blank screen is making my left eye twitch. Ever had that happen?
So I will tell you what is happening in my end of the realm.
My son is grounded. It seems like grounding doesn’t bother him anymore. “Oh, I am grounded from my stuff. Oh well, I don’t give a shit!”
And he is bored! So my mopey teenager’s mug has been in my face the majority of the day. He wants to make his grounding as unpleasant for me as it is for him.
And it is working!
My husband tends to lean toward a “no mercy” ruling. He can be harsh. Then, we end up letting him off early because he is good. I feel like this balances out how the harsh ruling.
In the end I know letting him off early he is less likely to earn his lesson, and become a repeat offender with the same behaviors. So we will have to adjust our ways, and he will have to adjust his.
When he is grounded– I know he is going to be “good.” He wants his things he “doesn’t care” about back. He is bored.
No electronics has made his world dull. The walls are starting to talk. He has read four books. What else can he do?
I can help with that!
I have found a list of things he can do to make himself useful around the house. Points he can earn for each chore to become “ungrounded.” That lasted for about an hour.
My A.D.H.D. kiddo became bored easy. On the plus side, he did learn some life skills today. He did an awesome job with the laundry, folding towels, and taking out the trash. While remaining on my last nerve.
Our main problem is the video games. His therapist he sees for his A.D.H.D finally agrees they are an addiction. I considered this as an option months ago.
Because of his A.D.H.D, he has a greater risk of picking up addictive behaviors. This leaves him vulnerable later in life to drug and alcohol addiction. This makes me worry because his biological father had such a strong addiction to drugs and alcohol.
We talked about this when we visited his doctor this past week. He said I probably witnessed the same behaviors in my first husband. I did. He would say anything to make me believe his lies. Anything to feed the hunger inside of him.
It’s the same with my son. He comes home after school completes all of his chores– just to play video games. Has dinner hurries through the dishes (sometime before bed) — back to video games. Takes his shower to run back to video games. Then, the game shuts off. We do devotionals. It’s bedtime.
He will talk to me when he comes home from school, and at dinner. In the morning before school, and at night before bed. Otherwise, he has his door shut.
He tells me,“All my friends are like this.”
It is perfectly normal for him to interrupt me when I am busy writing. Or watching TV. He will blurt something out fast, and rush to his room leaving no chance for a reply because I’m yelling it.
I hate it. He is in such a hurry to talk to me because he is otherwise occupied in the virtual world, and only talks to me when it is convenient for him.
However, it’s getting to be too much. He comes home from school. I find him sitting on his bed with an X-box remote AND his kindle playing games.
“You have an electronic device to play another electronic device. Why do you need two?” I scratch my head. I don’t understand.
When is enough– enough? I’ve had enough! I want my son back!
We let him play games because his grades have been wonderful, so I think–
“Let’s cut him some slack.” His teachers praise his work. He completes his work on time, and works ahead in class.
Until recently. His grades have plummeted. Especially in two of his best classes.
So we sought advice from his therapist, she suggested limiting video games until his grades came back up, and taking them away if the incomplete work is not turned in. My son’s problem is organization, and he is forgetful. Unfortunately, he won’t let me help with it.
She isn’t aware of the severity of the issue. She doesn’t know what transpired here last weekend. When all hell broke loose.
My son agreed to cut my mother’s grass. My husband offered to help him as he isn’t handy with the lawnmower yet. He knew the day was approaching, but he didn’t know when…
It’s always a big deal if he doesn’t know when because he has to mentally prepare himself to lose video game time, hence, video game addiction. He doesn’t care if he is helping out his grandmother who can’t find anyone to cut her grass. It is taking up his precious time.
So, my husband went over my mother’s to get a head start on mowing and the weather. The clouds looked heavy with rain like it would pour at any minute. When school let out and I picked my son up to cut grass, he had other plans for the day.
After a fifteen minute argument, we were in the car. I was upset he didn’t want to keep his word. He knows how important it is to be man of his word. I am not raising him to act this way.
He was mad he couldn’t play video games and we didn’t “clear it with his schedule.”
“Are you kidding me! You are the child! I am the parent!”
When we arrived at my mother’s, he refused to cut the grass. He sat in the car with the windows down, and helped my husband when he needed things.
He sulked the whole time thinking he won the argument. Not realizing everyone loses.
He lost the money he would earn that day. My husband refused to take any. He lost all electronics. And a pair of drum sticks he threatened to hit my husband with.
It was also the weekend he would be at the band competition– but his grades held him back. I believe he didn’t want to go because he rather play video games. Part of him wanted to go, but the other part– the hunger for video games won.
Making him angrier still– when his plan to play them was taken away.
This is the second time an argument about video games has turned physical, and it has only been this way recently. The physical violence further proving he would do anything to play. Just like an addict would do anything for drugs.
He argues, “All my friends play video games like I do.”
Maybe they do. But he has a problem. How many of them have A.D.H.D? Are their grades suffering?
They aren’t my kid!
I know he could be doing worse things than playing video games. He could be down the street doing drugs. He could be dealing them. He could be drinking alcohol, running around, and partying. But he doesn’t do any of those things.
However, video game addiction can be as bad as any of those things. It can destroy his relationships with his family. Prevent him from learning how to socialize with people. Further decimate his academic career.
I try my best to get him talking to me. I know who his friends are. Around his birthday he made a new one, and he doesn’t do that well in school. He sits beside him in the two classes he isn’t doing well in currently. I am not pleased about it.
I know it is normal for teens to want to be alone. I try to give him his “space.” I know he wants to brood because he and a girl he dated for a couple of months broke up. He still likes her, and she annoys him. I remember what that feels like.
My gripe is I have no idea what is going on at school. He never brings home homework. Studies for a test. Projects are last minute. Or late. How can I help him become organized if I don’t know any of those things?
Things will continue to move at a faster pace. He isn’t ready. If he is stuck in his “gamer world” and I cannot get him unglued he will fail at life.
I worry about that a lot. I am stuck with him today– at my side.
So, he is grounded and we are not giving in easy this time. Being bored is good for him. He has time to slow down, and think. Which he doesn’t always DO.
He can spend time with his family. Oh no! A teenager’s worst nightmare! Hopefully, he will realize a balance must be found between too much video game time, and “none.” His therapist will have ideas.
I hope this time goes by fast for him, and me!
From Behind Enemy Lines,
Being the passionate person I am I have a number of things I feel strongly about.
I could easily pick any number of them. Politics these days seem to make a multitude of people rage! Religion. Which easily upsets another group (God–Gotta have him?). Guns? (Gotta have em.)
Issues dividing people: hate, lack of respect, racism, ageism. Judging each other.
Or negative stigmas associated with depression, anxiety, and autoimmune disease. Just because you cannot see it and it isn’t happening directly to you, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. You may not understand it, however, that person is battling something bigger that your perceptions of them.
Today with everything I am struggling with raising a teenager– I have elected to choose Divorce. I know not everyone will agree with how I feel about it, and it is okay. We all have our own experiences making us who we are.
As a child, my head was buried in the clouds. I lived and breathed make-believe. My imagination ran wild. My parents loved me and never missed an opportunity to show me. Even when it came to making me wear an awful shirt the first day of school cos “I looked so pretty.” (Thanks Mom!)
They loved one another. Joked with one another. Shared everything with one another. I never saw them argue. My basis on marriage was predicated from watching them. I dreamed of what my life would look like when I grew up. I wanted my life to look like theirs.
My childhood was nothing like my adolescence. Crumbling apart like the first piece of pie. Dad slipping away. After years of marriage, mom was alone. And she was sad. So very sad. Grief stricken.
My first marriage in no way resembled theirs. In all my years of dreaming, it couldn’t have been more opposite of my parents. Now I wonder if I ever knew him at all? Who was he behind those dark eyes, and the same deceptive smile I see in my boy?
Growing up the way I was raised, I wanted to believe the best in people. I believed I could change him. When I met him, he lived with his grandparents. He was helping his grandfather and former Marine, who had Cancer. He seemed reformed enough, and good enough– at the time.
I learned quickly you cannot change a person. You can only love them and hope they change. If a person doesn’t truly want to change, they won’t. It has to come from the heart. They have to have a reason to want to, and sometimes even their family isn’t enough.
After we were out on our own, he quickly started making contacts with people. Learning where “people of interest” lived, and making friends with them. We both were working. I didn’t know where which end began and the other ended sometimes. But it didn’t matter, we still couldn’t make ends meet!
I thought if anything would change him the arrival of our son would. Payday would come, and go. I would have to go pick up the paycheck, and deposit it myself. Unfortunately, in those days, he could go ATM hopping– withdrawing money. Thankfully, I had help.
I could never tell if he was lying to me. After awhile, his words and fake promises meant nothing. He kept getting caught in his web of lies, and the list of people he owed became too long. He refused help.
It is devastating to stand back, and watch your family fall apart. I never believed in divorce. I never wanted that for my family. It has lasting effects on the children.
We spent seven years watching him go back and forth. Not always having a good place to stay. Flea bites. Among other issues in communication. Drama. Power struggles with the step-mom. She wanted to be in charge.
We spent seven years building a case while his father went thirteen grand in arrears.Four years ago, he signed him over. Two years before, my son decided he didn’t want to go anymore. He was uncomfortable there. He didn’t feel like he was home. They were squatting.
Over the years, we have had problems with my son. You name them we have had them. Oppositional Defiant. Bipolar. Anxiety. Depression. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. He has been “labeled.”
Since making the break from his father and the negative influences, he has dropped most of these labels. We do not have the massive amount of trouble we had in the past. Just the normal stuff.
His grades and attitude in school have improved significantly.
If anything the initial split had its negative impact and then after his split, its positive impact. You would think, right?
Only my son won’t accept his dad. My husband has proved himself in every way to my son. He asks to spend time with him– only to be pushed aside like trash. If he is forced to, he will. Cooly.
When he becomes angry–who is the first person he takes his anger out on? His dad. Oh, it makes me so upset. He works hard for us, and adopted my son. He has been here for him since he was four years old. He seems to appreciate none of it.
If he has a project at school– who is the first person he asks to help him with it? His dad. He can treat him like crap, but when he needs help it’s a different story. Or if his dad is playing a game, he wants to play, too!
He is respectful of his dad. He doesn’t like how his dad calls him out on his bull. He does it a lot, and it makes my son upset. I think it is why he gives him such a harsh rep.
My son doesn’t say much about his father. He prefers not to talk about him. He has bad feelings and memories about going places they went, and staying there. He did like it when he was actually a “dad” and not acting like an “outlaw” poaching deer out the back of his truck.
I think he becomes conflicted with his feelings because he does miss his father’s family. Just not his father.
Having my husband has been a good experience for him.
But he acts so much like his father and it gets him into trouble. The face of deception. The tongue of lies. He doesn’t know when to quit. He believes his own lies.
I worry about him so much. I wonder if we broke him out of there in time before his father’s influence penetrated to the depths of his very young soul. I don’t want to believe the damage has been done as surely some has been reversible.
If he could quit lying…
I must confess my second marriage almost ended in divorce like the first. Because we both wanted our marriage to work, we worked to piece the broken pieces back together. Are we anything like my parents? I think we are in some ways.
He helps me be more realistic. I help him dream more.
I am happy we stayed together. As it has greatly benefited not only us making our marriage stronger, but it has also made our children happy. I didn’t want our family to be broken.
As a previously divorced person, I honestly believe divorce is not only hard on you but it is also hard on the child. If there are extreme circumstances, I know it can be unavoidable. In my situation, I couldn’t stay married to an addict.
Do I regret it? Some days I do. Honestly. I feel like I could have watched over him because I could have been there. I know I wouldn’t have been happy. We would have been broke. But I could have had more control.
It is so easy to throw a person away if we aren’t happy with them. Each person holds a treasure inside of them. You can’t find it if you aren’t getting to know them properly, and that takes looking up from your phone. Take your time. Get to know a person.
It is Spring Break! I don’t know who was more excited over our vacation from school– the kids? Or me! We kicked off our first official day on Monday with sleeping in followed up with Mom’s AWESOME pancakes.
We are relaxing today. Though we have been getting things done we put off, too! My daughter and I went shopping and for a haircut, and it was fun! Now we look like ourselves, again! It is amazing how good a haircut makes a person feel.
My son is in his room. Video gaming. As per his usual. He should have come from the womb with a controller in his hand.
Teenage boys, right?
My son has A.D.H.D. and I believe gaming is making it worse. The video games don’t cause it though it can make his attention faulty.
It’s all he wants to do. He will half-ass anything just so he can play games, again. If we want to spend time with him. Forget it!
Remind myself, “Who is the parent, again! Me? Right!”
But when this happens there is a big explosion. Normal for teenagers, certainly. But it is bad.
“Video games are MY life.” He says, “I need them to be a video game developer. I have to play them all the time. I need them.”
I remind myself this sounds very much like an addiction. I think of someone else I knew with an addiction.. his biological dad. Then, I cringe hoping he didn’t somehow inherit his addictive personality. Pain pills, marijuana, booze…
I tell him later that his thinking isn’t sound. After he calms down and is done bawling his eyes out like a two-year old because he escalates the situation which exacerbates the later punishment. Placing blame on anyone but himself.
His dad tells him, “You have to write code to develop video games. A whole lot goes into making video games than playing them.” His dad would know. He does have a college degree in the stuff.
But still, he clings to this hope playing them will make him a game developer. Even though, his grades are slipping, he isn’t turning things in because he “can’t find them,” and he is getting into some trouble on the bus.
But he doesn’t see it our way. Teenagers seldom do when they want it their way. But for my kid, he likes to invent his own version of truths and adapt them as reality.
I didn’t see the problem with video games before. We have carefully monitored his games. He still doesn’t play some of the games the other boys play. I thought letting him play was okay as it was his hobby, and something all boys his age like to do.
But I see the problem now.
He uses them as a crutch. An escape from life. He tells me, “You don’t understand what I go through in school so I stay in my room because I don’t want to talk about it.”
So he shuts everyone out. I have had countless talks with him about how relationships are more important than playing games, and how if he isn’t careful life is going to pass him by. But it doesn’t sink in. I know social skills aren’t his thing– it’s the A.D.H.D. However, we are his family, and I’m tired of it.
I have talked to my husband about taking the games away. Taking the controllers out. How he should only play for a limited amount of time so he should be spending time with us. He agreed. But he is still acting in that sneaky teenager kinda way.
Before break happened, a fight erupted with a girl he really likes, who happens to ride his bus. He had been smacking another kid upside the back of the head because he was hitting her. He was so gallantly defending her “honor.” (Even though he later told me she was suspended for fighting.) They had a fight in band over Lord knows what right before that she gave him her number. It was the wrong number.
So he came home upset. Not wanting to leave the house. Or go to dinner. Or do anything but game.
I HATE puberty!!
I didn’t do this video game crap 24/7. I had a game system, too, when the Nintendo came out. My dad and sister played in secret until Christmas when I opened it. It was awesome, but it wasn’t glued to me. I didn’t eat, sleep, “Duck Hunt!” Now Mario Bros…
Point is, I wasn’t stuck in my room. When we were kids, we played outside. Or sat in our rooms and listened to music. I wrote. I went to my friend’s houses. We rode bikes. We didn’t play games all the time. It was boring to sit inside all the time.
Maybe because I was a girl? My daughter isn’t like that. She has other things she likes to do. She is very artsy. She loves to paint, write, and make things in her room. She doesn’t have A.D.H.D. So they are different in that way.
She is playing them now as I am writing this post. She is waiting for me. Now I stink at them. It’s my age. When we were younger, we were so much better at playing them. Guess it is because we had more time. Now I have to remind myself which screen I am on, and I gripe about how much harder it is!
Maybe more children are playing games now. Only a parent can set limits and decide what is best for their children. We, as parents, know what our children can handle. When we were younger, we took our butts outside. That is where your imagination is. Not in a video game. Educational games, however, can be helpful.
Even though the gaming thing is bothering me and the fact my son is keeping secrets from me– possibly– is totally pissing me off, I am not going to let it ruin Spring Break. I think it could be time for some counseling. He doesn’t want to talk– fine. We will do this my way. He won’t like it, but that is too bad. I am the parent, here. Not him.
A couple of good articles about A.D.H.D and gaming–