Writing shouldn’t have to be so hard. Staring at the blinking cursor and the wall is not highly productive. I have too many thoughts swirling around in my brain. If only I could pick a few, and focus.
I think I am going through some kind of quarter-life crisis thing. Triggered by my best friend passing three-years ago, it was traumatic for me. Everything was fine — business as usual– until now it isn’t.
Beth not being here makes me think more about my life. Only she isn’t here to talk to about the massive train-wreck it has become. I have my mother, who is awesome, but she gets anxious. Which makes me anxious. It is a vicious cycle.
Things are just.. wrong. This winter was difficult for me, and I admit I slid into a depression. It hasn’t been easy to crawl out of.
Normally I am such a positive person, but this winter everything chipped away at me. Until I caved. Negative thoughts set in. Pain from my autoimmune crap. Combined with the cold weather blahs.
Even though I am happy in some respects, I feel stuck…
Everything I have wanted for myself, I have. Married. I have two beautiful kids. I love being a mother complete with its challenges. Married, well, that has its own set of challenges…
I have two associates degrees. An incomplete bachelor degree I cannot use because the university I attended screwed me over — royally. Even if I wanted to do something, I cannot. Not only does an associates degree not get me very far but it is also not even close to the field I wanted it to be in. So tons of student debt for me thanks to a faulty enrollment officer who didn’t have the slightest clue what she was talking about.
I feel like I should be doing something. I am bored. Everything seems monotonous. While everyone is out living their life I am here. I love it when the kids are home. The house is busy. The kids make it lively. I don’t want to forget to live my life while my kids are growing up. Some women do that, and I think it is happening to me.
Heck, I cannot even think of what to say for a blog post, and I love to write. It is all I wanted to do, and did growing up. I think I make it too hard, and that is my problem. And I have so much going on that I cannot focus.
I have decided to do a fifty word challenge each day. If I can keep up with that for a month, I will keep upping it. Fifty words doesn’t seem so hard. I can do that!