Posted in Loss

10 Months Ago…

10 months ago I lost my best friend. It still feels like yesterday to me. She was my closest companion for about 17 years and all I had. We were two sides of the same coin. Now she’s gone and the world seems foreign to me.

I know I should be okay, but I’m not okay. I’m far from okay. I put on a strong exterior, but on the inside I’m broken. 10 months ago, my best friend in the whole world was taken from me. I don’t ever want to forget her. Anything of her. Her unique way of doing things, her laugh, and smile. Her witty sense of humor. The way she made everything okay, and knew just what to say… I miss her.

Gone is the girl I spent nights and days with. Got my first tattoo with. Made stupid decisions with. Went on spur-of-the-moment adventures with. The memories haunt me and overwhelm me. They attack me when I feel fine and tears fall.. the unwelcome guests they are… burning my eyes and hot on my face.

I will never have another friend like her. She was honest with me even when I didn’t want to hear it, but yet she was funny about it. She went along with me anyway. And when I messed it all up, she helped me fix it. She didn’t talk behind my back, but when someone else was she always stood up for me. I had a rumor going around school about me for years, and out of ALL my SO-called friends she was the only one who would walk down the hall with me.  The only one…

10 months ago, the pain was crippling. It squeezed my heart. It still does. I talk to her, but I don’t know if she hears me. When I do my routine exercise, I tell her jokingly don’t judge! I wish I would have got more time with her. You never know when people will pass. When she was here certain things prevented us from spending as much time together or talking as much as we would have liked to, but when we did it was as if no time had passed at all. Though it never bothered us or made us insecure about our friendship because we knew in our hearts how we felt about each other. She was always there for me, and I was for her also.

What bothers me the most when I start thinking of her is how sad she was before she passed. Her circumstances were weighing heavily on her heart, and she never could seem to get them to change even though she tried. She also had diabetes pretty bad, but no one really knew how bad it was except for her. Remembering her like that makes me think about her life, and what she went through with her fiance and family. How she fought so hard to be happy, but so much of her life was unhappy. Makes me grieve for a life lived in vain. It makes me think about life in general. And my life.

10 months ago my life changed. It was turned upside-down by death. Everyone dies eventually, but it is the unexpected losses wrecking your whole world. Making you question everything you thought you knew. I know I miss her more than anything in the world, and it hurts more than anything in the world.

I have only been to see her a handful of times for which I feel guilty. I put a nice Easter cross on her grave, but it’s hard for me to go. She still hasn’t got her headstone yet. Last time I went I wanted to lay there on the grass and have a nice conversation with her. I didn’t though I left upset because her headstone is taking such a long time to be placed and it is paid for.

I hope one day I will be lucky enough to see her again. I try hard not to take anything for granted, and to live in the moment. People get so caught up in certain aspects of life. Wrapped up in social media, their phones, etc, they forget what is going on around them. I try to let the people closest to me know they matter. People, Moments, Living.. that is important.

If she would have never left us.. 10 months ago, I wonder how different things would be.

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Author:

Dreamer. Doer. Poet. Writer. Mom. Baker. Lover of Many Things.

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